Why I’ve Never Been Faithful?

Now I know y’all are reading the title like, no she  didn’t, but before you cast your wicked comments with”these hoes ain’t loyal” foolishness, let me state my case.

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In high school, I was such an advocate for relationships and staying faithful but unfortunately  couldn’t keep a man of my own. I was either being referred to as “Cant Keep a Man Chyna” or “Playa Playa”.

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Sure, there were a few guys I was interested in. I may have sent a few notes confessing my love, but when it came to verbal communication… I clammed up and lost all sense of who I was. All the guys I “dated” in high school liked me, but always made it known that I was“weird as hell”.What can I say? God knew what he was doing with this one, am I right?Transitioning  from high school to college was a huge change. When I was younger, my godmom clocked my every move, like inspector gadget. College was all about me being on my own.Every decision was solely on me. Jesus… what did I get myself into? Turn Uppp!

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My second semester I found myself in a relationship with a woman. Two months in, I was planning to spend the rest of my life with her. I don’t know if I was naive or if I was just looking for love. A love that I didn’t think existed. A love that didn’t come with a price, and could actually be unconditional.  I was smitten but I wasn’t done living. Done living? I hadn’t even started my journey in this thing called life, but I stayed. I was a coward and did more damage by staying than if I had actually left. In my mind, I thought nobody would ever love me like she did. I didn’t want to hurt her because she needed me and I loved her. My first girlfriend was the only relationship I had in college , along with an array of situationships. I sold a lot of dreams, told many lies, deleted text messages, changed ringtones and with all of this, I had the nerve  to feel guilty.

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I cheated but I always told on myself. To me, that was honest and that honesty would save our love.  My truths were meant to fix and heal but things could never be the same. We were the definition of trust issues and toxic love. Our relationship could have made one hell of a lifetime movie.

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At the time, I thought that exposing my secrets and unfaithful ways was because I loved her so much, but when I self-reflect today I was selfishly telling on myself to clear my own guilty conscious. I knew that telling would help my sleepless nights, or any tracks I had to cover to make sure she didn’t find out about my transgressions.I truly believed that if you love someone, you wouldn’t cheat on them, ever. No matter what forbidden fruit was dangling in your face you would hold down your partner. If that was the case, what was my excuse?

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When we ended, I quickly ended up with another woman out of pure boredom. Which is a terrible thing to say, but I have a tendency to have my eye set on a particular thing, and if I want it I normally get it. Poor baby didn’t stand a chance. She was a sweet girl, but definitely not the one for me, but I made her and I believe that there was a chance for our newfound love. That what we had was rare, and who were we to deny ourselves of such fate? While I was dating her I damn near had two almost relationships on the side. I really wasn’t trying to be a heart breaker, but I wanted love and I guess auditioning more at once would never leave me in a predicament to be alone fully. I would always find myself saying that “I wasn’t scared to be alone”. In my defense I honestly didn’t know if I was afraid to be alone because I never gave myself the opportunity to see what alone felt like. There was always someone new, or someone from the past that could occupy my time.

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Dating for me was always on to the next one. If it didn’t work with one I wouldn’t allow myself to feel feelings of being hurt so I bottled them in and just moved on. With everyone I dated it was a case by case of becoming everything you say you like in those “what do you like most about your women” moments. I would absorb that and become she, and they loved that shit soaked it right on up. Now it wasn’t a game that I was playing. I guess more of a habit you would say that I was developing. Picturing all the potential of this person in the fantasy worlds I made up in my head, but in reality I didn’t know them, and they didn’t really know me. They didn’t know me for two reasons. One I barely knew who I was, myself. Two I was giving them an image on a canvas that they painted, and maybe spurts of pieces that were me. The situation always ended up in one or two ways; I would be really interested and have them fall in love with me, but slowly fade once they started showing me things I didn’t necessarily sign up for. Or they would be just as much of a fuck boy I was that we would bump heads with our scheming ways, and play games until the other got tired.  I’ve honestly only had my heartbroken twice, both were to people I actually tried to wholeheartedly love,  be faithful to, and they both broke ya boys heart. Looking back today the only reason I was on them so bad were because they were a challenge, and didn’t fall so easily for my bullshit. My performance to them was just as bad as Beyoncé’s in Carmen, not cutting it.

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 I am 24 years old today, and I have had three “adult” relationships, and two were with a woman, and one with a man that I don’t like to count. But I guess since it did exist it happened, but no I wasn’t faithful to him either. I tried to be  in the beginning because he was nice, older, and something way out of my comfort zone. I don’t know if I told y’all, but  I’m shallow. Don’t judge me, God works on me every day, but yes he was far from what I was use too, but he was safe. Safe wasn’t logical though, and I somehow found my way drifting to other things that interested me. Yet in still unfortunately not like the grown woman I claimed to be I still didn’t walk away. Anywho, that didn’t end well between him and I. I’m pretty sure he’s apart of the “she hating man club”, and there’s a picture of me with a bulls eye going through my forehead.

I couldn’t commit because the thought of forever scared the living hell out of me. I had some abandonment issues I had yet to work through. So temporary was normal for me. Forever sounded nice, but in my reality I didn’t know what that exactly looked like. So I ran away from anyone or anything that tried to stick around any longer than 6 months. I refused to be vulnerable, or being submissive, you could forget about that because I thought I had to wear the pants at all times. No one taught me how to love. I didn’t have great examples of fostering relationships, nurturing connections, being present and showing up romantically, or platonically for that matter. And for a long time, I didn’t love anyone, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how.

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I’ve done the whole plan our whole lives together, and “babe how many kids are we going to have?”, and the “Ooo best friend I think this is the one!” enough times to know that I have never been in love with anyone I’ve dated, and eight times out of ten it really was  “its not you its me”.I was too selfish to compromise, to naive to know what real love was,  what it meant to  actually be with someone, and the amount of work it actually took to be in a relationship. In the grand scheme of things I found out that I was afraid to be alone because I was afraid to deal with my own demons. The unconditional love I was seeking in others I had to find in God and myself.  Often times when there is work to be done within ourselves and  we’re in the denial stage, we run. I had to get tired of running, tired of the same old outcomes, and tired of not changing to realize that “hurt people hurt people”. Now I know you guys are like well damn, are you ever going to commit? Did you get it together? Well, yes in my next relationship I plan to commit, show up, and honestly give the best version of myself . I plan to love selflessly, wholeheartedly, and fully. As far as me getting it together, I work on myself everyday. Some days I like the woman I am becoming and some days I’m disappointed in myself, but with all of that I still push forward. Its a one day at a time process, and a constant reminder to be gentle with myself along this journey.  I plan on spending time with myself, nurturing my growth, and becoming the woman that I want to be. So whenever God deems it time for me to be in beautiful love I’ll be ready. No rush though, take your time Lord 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Why I’ve Never Been Faithful?”

  1. Amazing! I can definitely relate especially to molding myself to whomevers wants only including pieces and fragments of who I was, never really giving a chance to know ME. Love the way you wrote this. Like I was having a conversation, it flowed.

    Like

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